Excerpted from chapter 1 of Learning to Listen: Positive Approaches and People with Difficult Behavior, by Herbert Lovett, Ph.D. Copyright © 1996 by Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co. I was once asked to demonstrate positive approaches at a large professional training conference by listening and responding to stories about people who were difficult to serve. The first person described was Robert. The staff of a group "home" talked about how he had come to them from an institution, and on his first night he had become extremely destructive. Because of this violence, Robert has been immediately sent back. What exactly had happened? He had a reasonable evening, but when it was time to go to bed, he destroyed his bedroom. I always assume that serious behavior has serious meaning. It may not always be obvious to every bystander, but most of us have good reasons for our behavior. So, I wondered, why did going to bed have so much meaning for Robert? My guess was that his anger was about something bad that had happened in the past or that something was upsetting to him in the present. With whom did he sleep in the institution, I asked. People in institutions often sleep in the same room with many others, most of whom they have nothing more in common with than their address. There may be partitions and low dividing walls between the beds, but even then there are often four beds in such an area. Although people are expected -- contrary to all probability -- to live asexually, they often form important relationships that are only rarely acknowledged in any sustaining way, if at all. Still, I was not surprised when the people telling Robert's story knew exactly who his significant other had been. My suggestion was that they begin to think of Robert's next living arrangement not as a program but as his home. The best first step in this planning would be to ask him if he wanted to live with his friend. I made a small joke about how this would be an example of how, once again, doing the right thing would be cost effective because only one bed would have to be purchased. The audience reaction to this mild observation was surprisingly vivid. Ostensibly, they were indignant to think that public money would be used to subsidize a sexual relationship. In retrospect, money was not the problem because Robert was already having this relationship in a publicly funded institution. The issue is partly the rights of any citizen to privacy, but the wider concern is Robert's right to choose his life as much as any of us choose ours. It hardly seems fair that the price for a decent and life-sustaining service should be his sexuality and most important emotional connection in the world. For these professionals, this man belonged in their community as long as he knew his place -- the place where all oppressed people are supposed to stay, where they are invisible and can neither challenge a system that regards them as less than fully human. The nature of oppression divides the oppressed from one another. Many of the people in this audience worked in poorly paid high demanding direct service jobs. Many of us working in human services ourselves do not command much respect and are the targets of various bigotries, and yet we fail to see how much our own difficulties to silence or hide Robert, these workers were colluding in their own oppression. Institutions have disembodied people at every level. Institutions have separated citizens with disabilities from their communities, and institutional practices have further divorced people from their own bodies. Although people might have had preferences about when and how long they like to sleep; when, what, and how much they liked to eat; what they liked to wear; and how they liked to look, none of these preferences was seen as worth attending to. Although not necessarily intentional, by ignoring individual differences a Excerpted from Learning to Listen: Positive Approaches and People with Difficult Behavior by Herbert Lovett All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
